Comments on: 7 Ways to Stop Saying “No” and “Don’t”

By: Head Jammer

Head Jammer — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 03:49:40 +0000

Hi Krispin, I’ve seen situations like that too, and I guess what I can say about that is that there is an effective way to negotiate with the kids, and an ineffective way. And on top of that, there are some things that are absolutely not negotiable. In my Jam here, I was more talking about alternative ways of getting cooperation, by describing the situation, which is a little different than negotiating.
To try and put it in perspective, imagine you have a boss at work that always tells you “don’t do that” and if you wanted to take a vacation, or had any other request, he usually responded with “no.” I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to work for him very long! Instead, if he was the type that told you how things were, and let you come to your own conclusions, you might be more likely to go along with him and cooperate.
That’s what I was trying to get at here, thanks for coming back on this discussion, I appreciate all views of course!
Cheers,
V.

By: Parenting Old School

Parenting Old School — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 01:53:11 +0000

Of course there are different ways and thanks for respecting my grumpy old fashioned way of doing things. I see it daily, some parents have some great strategies in manipulating children.

I just don’t have the time or energy to negotiate or explain every last detail of our families life to my kids; However, I see people doing this constantly.

What takes me 30 seconds to accomplish with my kids, takes others I know 30 minutes as they negotiate, explain and justify their decisions and in the end it usually ends up that the kids gets their way and the parent simply hands all decision making over to their kids.

Cheers,
Krispin
Parenting Old School´s last blog ..The Ethical Child

By: Head Jammer

Head Jammer — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:17:07 +0000

Thanks for sharing your view Parenting Old School… that’s cool if it works for you. I still believe that there are alternative ways of saying “No.” So even if you mean “No,” you are just saying it in a different way.
Don’t get me wrong, I still say “No” to my kids, but I’m suggesting there are alternative ways to say it and get cooperation.

By: Parenting Old School

Parenting Old School — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:16:53 +0000

I love the word “No” and use it frequently, although my kids are older now and “NO” has been reduced to a simple look. Come to think of it… I rarely say no anymore.

The kids know the boundaries and rarely test them because they know it is futile. The word “NO” is an integral part of parenting and if you use it properly does not become an annoyance.

I even wrote a 5 blog series on the word “NO” because I believe in liberal and steadfast use.
Parenting Old School´s last blog ..The Ethical Child

By: Head Jammer

Head Jammer — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 15:03:05 +0000

Yeah, I hear you Bonnie, I hope it works for you, we really love doing it this way, and the results… when we don’t let our knee-jerk reactions get in the way! We’re getting better with practice though

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 14:21:30 +0000

I’m totally on board to try this. Can’t tell you how tired I am of saying “no, no, no” and totally sounding like my mom.
Bonnie´s last blog ..Achieving cupcake zen…

By: Head Jammer

Head Jammer — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 13:13:18 +0000

Thanks Pete, and I think you are right. Its much easier and economical to say “No” rather than describe the situation. There is a workaround from the book for those of us who have the feeling for economy of words. That is, use one word to describe the situation. For example, if your child leaves the lights on in his room, you say, “Lights!” or if there is a mess of toys on the floor, you say, “Toys!” … your child will learn what you mean, and just by saying the word, you’ll trigger the action that you want, without having to give a long, drawn-out, command or lecture.

By: Pete

Pete — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:52:45 +0000

Our nineteen-month old won’t benefit from this for a while, but I certainly will. It’s too easy to fall into the “No!” trap because it’s the quickest thing that comes to our heads. Personally, I think it’s about the protection instinct, where we immediately turn to economy of words to get our point across.

I think this is a great find, though. Thank you for sharing it!

By: Head Jammer

Head Jammer — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:06:10 +0000

Hi Gord, Smarty Pants just turned 4. I would say the child has to be at least 3 for it to work. One important aspect is that the child has to understand what is expected of them when you “describe the situation” – so if you say, “The light is still on in the bathroom” they understand that the expectation is that they turn off the light in the bathroom when they are done with it. That means that the first few times you may have to say something like, “When you are finished with the bathroom, I expect you to turn the light off” – of course this example is assuming they can reach the light, but you can insert whatever expected behaviour you want here.
Give it a try with one of your older kids and you’ll be amazed that it really works!

By: Gord

Gord — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 04:13:05 +0000

Yea, um maybe. How old is Smarty Pants? I have three kids under 5 and I don’t see this working with them…yet.