Parenting - The Dad Jam » Books

7 Ways to Stop Saying “No” and “Don’t”

Head Jammer — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:13:11 +0000

I got tired of it. Always saying, “Don’t do this..” “No!” “Do this..” and “Don’t do that..” I’m sure Smarty Pants was getting tired of it too. Imagine always hearing those words from your boss or colleague at work. If you were me, you’d be out the door fast.

Desperate, I turned to “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” for help. This book is a classic, and I learned why. The advice is timeless, and it works.

It took a while to get out of the habit of saying “No,” “Do..,” and “Don’t,” and I still do it sometimes when I have knee-jerk reactions, but I’m getting better.

Instead of saying “No,” “Do..,” and “Don’t,” I make an effort to do as the book teaches, and describe the situation instead. When I describe the situation, Smarty Pants figures out for himself what he needs to do, or what he is expected to do or not do, and he just does it. It is amazing.

Here are some examples of how I describe the situation now (and how you can too):

1) (after dinner) “Your plate is still on the table” (he looks at his plate, picks it up, and brings it to the kitchen).

2) “Your nose is running” (grabs a tissue and wipes his nose).

3) “That’s making a big mess on the floor” (stops throwing toys everywhere and picks them up).

4) “Your little sister is crying” (stops pestering his little sister).

5) “Dinner is on the table” (comes to the table and eats).

6) “The juice spilled” (gets a sponge and wipes up the juice).

7) “The ball might break the glass if you throw it on the table” (stops throwing the ball close to the table).

It is a simple concept, and it really works. The hardest part is getting yourself to change. Once you do, you’ll be a convert. This method not only works better, it is a easier on the ears of the child, and easier on the mouth of the parent. You’ll find you don’t need to shout when you use this approach.

Overall, Smarty Pants is a good kid, so maybe this works better for me than it might work for some, but give it a try and I’m sure in any case you’ll find it works better than shouting and commanding. If it doesn’t work right away, don’t give up!

What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know!

For more information, I highly recommend, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.” for help!

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Review – Sylvan Learning Language Arts Success

Head Jammer — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:15:24 +0000

Lucky me, I recently received three Sylvan Learning Language Arts Success books for my reviewing pleasure. I received the Grade K, Grade 1, and Grade 2 books, since they come closest to my son’s age.

These books are great, and the timing is great too, since we are starting to think about teaching our son to write now, and he is starting to show a lot of interest in writing.

Each book is huge, weighing in at over 300 pages each, with nice, solid, quality paper. The pages are colourful too, with cool colour pictures throughout. My son really enjoys the drawings in these books. Each tome has a detailed table of contents, and all the exercises have an answer key as well, which I thought were two nice touches.

The Grade K book starts out with writing the letters of the alphabet. The letters are shown nice and big, so they are easy to trace, and lots of opportunities to trace each letter are given. A space to write the letters freehand is also given for each letter. The book then moves on to fun exercises about consonant sounds, vowel sounds, rhyming, colours, stories, and more.

The first grade book covers Reading, Spelling and Vocabulary skills. It goes through a tonne of topics, from compound words, syllables and plurals, to spelling all kinds of words, to expanding vocabulary in the areas of days, months, time, food, animals, and more.

The second grade book is also divided into Reading, Spelling and Vocabulary skill building sections, but at a more advanced level than the first grade book. The topic areas have fun names like, “Final ‘E’ – Finally!” , “Oo, Goo, Good” and “‘Aw’-some!” The Vocabulary section includes nature, parts of the body, people, people actions, family, bugs, and more.

In general, the books are laid out really nicely, with plenty of room to write, and big fonts so that they are easy to read. The topics are written in a fun way, with fun titles and pictures to keep things interesting and fun for your child (after all, if your child is going to do extra learning and practice, it ought to be fun, right?).

If you are looking for some good, fun, learning books for your child, I definitely recommend the Sylvan Learning series. Although I am reviewing the Language Arts Success series from Grade K to 2 here, there are many other similar books from Sylvan Learning for older grades and on other subjects, such as good ol’ Math. You can also get books specifically dedicated to Spelling or Reading or Vocabulary. Check them out!

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Lazy Dadurday – Guest Post from a Divorced Dad

Head Jammer — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 04:18:27 +0000

Joel Schwartzberg, a 40-something writer and divorced father of two, contacted me recently about his new book, “The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad,” and was kind enough to provide an essay for a guest Jam here at The Dad Jam.

His book is a collection of essays that share his experiences and insights as a divorced dad. Dr. Linda Nielsen, President of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children and author of Between Fathers & Daughters, describes this collection well when she says it is:

“A captivating, humorous, insightful book offering wise,

hard-earned guidance for divorced dads…the perfect

gift for men who are co-parenting with their ex-wives.”

I have started reading it, and I am enjoying it so far. I am not a divorced dad (and hope to stay that way), but I find it is very interesting to get Joel’s “Divorced Dad” perspective on parenting and fatherhood.

When I’m finished reading it I will post a more detailed review, but for now, please enjoy one of the essays from his book to get an idea of what a brilliant writer he is. It is an essay about one of his typical “Lazy Dadurdays” with his kids. You’ll see that Joel has a great sense of humour and provides insights that all dads, whether married, divorced, common-law, or what-have-you, can relate to at some level.

Here goes:

Lazy Dadurday

“What do you guys want for breakfast?” I ask my three pajama-wearing kids flopped sleepily over two couches on a promising Saturday morning. They’re with me every Saturday morning as part of a divorce agreement. We call it “Lazy Dadurday.” And lazy it is. We wake up late, then trek to the bookstore, the pet store, the mall, or the pool, and just let it all hang out.

“What is there?” the kids ask absent-mindedly.

My children have faced the same breakfast choices since they were old enough to chew: frozen waffles, cereal, and toast. No more and no less. It’s their version of death and taxes. Nonetheless, the sweetly inquisitive response — what is there? — is always the same.

It’s as if they’d been replaced overnight with benevolent alien imposters who’d carefully studied everything about us but our breakfast rituals.

Just to be sure, I ask the kids to pick a TV show. This creates a raucous argument that would inevitably result in the destruction of a remote control had I not already placed it in protective custody.

Yep, they’re my kids.

“Waffles. Cereal. Toast,” I say like a diner waitress working her last hour.

“What else?” asks Charlie.

“Can I have some soda?” Miranda says with wide eyes, on cue.

The déjà vu is nearly overwhelming.

Their mental lethargy isn’t malicious. I call it “selective memoritis,” a genetic syndrome that enables children to genuinely forget simple things at will. Experts — and by that I mean Mommies — tell me that this is very age-appropriate for the under-ten set.

For the 40-year-old set, however, willful forgetting is far less appropriate. In male parents, selective memoritis often manifests as an abdication of responsibility, especially when it comes to simple parental to-dos like grooming, dressing, and feeding the kids. This explains why, under my charge, the children are still in pajamas at 11:30 am discussing breakfast options with the sun blazing cheerfully outside. In terms of demonstrating responsibility, there are often four kids in the house. I’m just a little taller, drive a car, and can correctly pronounce “mortgage.”

Several soggy bowls of Cheerios later, I ask Miranda to remind me whose turn is it to pick our weekly lunch spot.

I’m instantly reminded of a joke: How many siblings does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in and two to complain about not getting a chance.

“It’s MY turn,” Miranda says with supreme confidence, just as she did last Dadurday and the Dadurday before that. In terms of memoritis, she’s perhaps the most symptomatic of all three kids.

Charlie patiently recounts for Miranda the past few Dadurdays in precise detail, pointing out that it’s now his turn to choose, but she refuses to concede.

As Charlie plots his next move, Cindy quietly lines up her baby dolls, oblivious to her siblings and completely indifferent about whose turn it is. She’s easy to please, probably figuring she can get a decent grilled cheese anywhere.

Miranda finally relents, then brokers a Major League Baseball-like deal in which she gives up a future turn in exchange for influence in Charlie’s decision-making today. The agreement will never stick, but no one’s thinking about that except me.

“Dad, can we go now?” Charlie says.

We suit up and hit Charlie’s favorite Chinese restaurant for fried tofu, chicken satay, and spring rolls. Like every Dadurday at the Chinese restaurant, we charm the waiter, play with the chopsticks, and ask for gratuitous amounts of duck sauce.

Miranda collects everyone’s silverware, Cindy plays with her ice, and Charlie reads insignificant parts of the menu. We eat like peasants at the feast, and the girls delight at the crunchy fate-filled cookies that come in a little bamboo tray with the check.

All in all it’s a pretty unremarkable Dadurday lunch.

“This is the BEST Lazy Dadurday EVER!” Miranda says with absolute certainty and a greasy grin. The other two cheer inagreement, waving forks of sticky rice.

“This is indeed the Best Dadurday ever,” I pronounce, letting Miranda sip more of my Diet Pepsi.

We take a minute more to finish the meal, then messily crack open our fortunes.

###

Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning essayist who just released “The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad” (www.divorcedddadbook.com)

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How to have Optimistic Kids

Head Jammer — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 05:38:59 +0000

In his book, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, author Dr. Martin Seligman describes three important benefits that optimistic kids can enjoy: better health, greater academic and extracurricular performance, and the motivation to keep on trying when times get tough. Optimists have stronger immune systems, and live longer and happier lives.

Although genetics plays a partial role in determining whether our kids will see the glass as half full or half empty, there is evidence that we parents can help our kids grow up to be optimists. We just have to help them to look on the bright side of life as we raise them.

Personally, I always try to be optimistic and focus on the positive with my kids. Now that Smarty Pants is almost 3 yrs old, I can see that it is starting to rub off on him. For example, if he hurts himself, he usually says, “Its gonna be better soon.” And he often positively exclaims, “I’m a big boy” and “I’m getting bigger and bigger everyday.”

Hungry for more? Here are some ideas on how we can get our kids (and ourselves) thinking optimistically:

Let your own optimism shine: Let’s say you are going on a playdate with Junior. Before you go, talk about it optimistically. For example, you can say, “It is going to be fun.” Or, if you are going grocery shopping with him, you can say, “We’re going to buy lots of good stuff to eat!”
Be the Little Engine that Could: Come up with an encouraging sentence, (like the Little Engine’s “I think I can, I think I can” or Obama’s “Yes we can!”) and use it repeatedly with your child during tough times (like when you are walking up a hill, or on the final stretch of a long walk, or standing waiting in line at Disney World).
Be adventurous, and try new things: Try new foods or new places. If your new experiences were great, all the better – focus on that. If the new thing didn’t turn out to be as good as you were hoping, still try and find something positive about the experience, and if you can’t do that, at least focus on what you learned from it all.
Be optimistic with your explanations for shortcomings: Realistically, your kids are learning and can’t yet do everything that they would like to. But you can still help them to be positive. If your child says, “I can’t write because I’m dumb,” turn it around to be, “I can’t write yet, but I will be able to soon if I practise some more!”
Take note of improvements: If you notice improvements in your child, whether it be improvements in behaviour, improvements at school, or even with helping out around the house, let her know about it. Tell her how much you notice she has improved.
Build their skills: Teach your children that they can do anything they want to if they put their minds to it. Find out what skills your child is interested in building (e.g. dancing, playing an instrument, playing a sport, reading, writing, etc.) and help him to practice and build that skill.
Help them to focus on he positive events of the day: I’ve read about an idea called the “three good things” game. It is simple. Before going to bed, reflect with your child on three good things that happened during the day and how you felt about them. You can even anticipate three good things that will happen tomorrow. Now that’s what I call an optimistic game!

With a little positive thinking and encouragement in her early years, maybe your child too will grow up to lead group of proud supporters shouting, “Yes we can!”

Here are a few children’s books with an optimistic outlook, worth reading with your child. Check ‘em out:

1. When Pigs Fly (Valerie Coulman) – A book about Ralph, a determined cow who wants a bicycle, who triumphs over naysayers.

2. The Little Engine that Could (Watty Piper) – The classic about the train that climbed a mountain that others wouldn’t attempt, to deliver toys to good children.

3. Little Liam Eagle (Nancy McGrath) – A young eagle bravely soars past his fears with his parents’ encouragement.

4. Stitches (Kevin Morrison) – Stitches, a baseball, dreams of the big leagues – but a stitching defect sends him down another path to his dreams.

Hope you enjoy! And if you have any further ideas on optimistic kids, please share them here by leaving a comment!

Natural Birth – A Review of “Birthing from Within”

Head Jammer — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:30:05 +0000

I just wanted to take a few quick moments to tell you about a really cool book called “Birthing from Within” by Pam England and Rob Horowitz.

We came across this book based on a recommendation from our midwives at Pacific Midwifery Practice in Vancouver, BC. (Who are great by the way – more posts about them to come). We bought them a copy as a gift to include in their free library, so all their future moms and dads can borrow it and enjoy it.

I will warn you in advance – if you are not into natural birth or a more holistic approach to birth, this is probably not the book for you. If you are interested in examining birth as a natural event and not a medical event, read on.

This book is all about preparing for a natural birth. What I liked about this book is that it addresses the role of the father in birth and how a father can prepare for and assist during

birth, in addition to its extensive coverage of the mother’s preparation, of course. I also liked the historical references given in the book that give insight into how some of today’s (less natural) views on pregnancy and birth evolved.

For example, there are some schools of thought today that a woman should keep her weight controlled to a certain level during pregnancy. The book explains that this way of thinking actually evolved from a time when a condition called “rickets” was more common. Women with rickets tended to have a smaller opening in their pelvic bone, since rickets caused bone deformation. Women with rickets were told to keep their weight down, so that their baby would be smaller and have a better chance at passing through the narrower passage in the pelvis. While that was a valid reason for women to try and keep their weight lower during pregnancy at that time, it no longer applies in our society today. Yet the notion of “keep your weight lower during pregnancy” still exists.

I like little interesting things like that, and I am a proponent of natural birth whenever possible. I agree with this book that giving birth is something completely natural, and that a low-risk birth need not be anything medical at all.

If you are interested in exploring natural birth, take a look at this book. You may not use or do everything that the book suggests, and some things may be over the top for you, but you will definitely learn a lot and get some good ideas on what you and your partner can do to prepare for a natural birth.

Join the jam and let us know your thoughts on this book, or any other good birth preparation books you have come across!

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Great books for fathers and parents

Head Jammer — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 03:16:00 +0000

I just had a thought today that I might need to go back to my fatherhood and parenting reading material… my son has really been exerting his independence lately, so gotta remind myself what to do in these situations! Today, for the first time, he was really keen on telling me and my wife to do: “Don’t change the bed sheets!” to me, and when my wife tried to feed our newborn, “Don’t feed her!” This of course, combined with lots of whining, kicking and screaming. Joy oh joy. Well, I think he was really tired and the feelings of slight jealousy towards his baby sister were starting to creep in. He is good most of the time though, and in the end we managed to get him to conclude that his baby sister can’t drink orange juice and can’t eat cookies, so she has to drink milk. It is always great to add a bit of sound logic to the situation to help smooth things over.

A happy child!

Nevertheless, it may be time to hit the books again. Here are two books that I found to be excellent and worth reading:
1) The Complete Secrets of Happy Children, by Steve Biddulph. This is actually two books in one… The Secrets of Happy Children, and its follow-up, the appropriately titled, More Secrets of Happy Children. This book gives lots of practical tips on parenthood, being a dad, the correct language to use when talking to your children, disciplining, soft love, firm love and special considerations for raising boys and raising girls. There are many good tips and ideas in its pages. We have used and applied many of his ideas with our kids, and he really gives you a lot to think about.
2) The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, by Stephen Covey. Need I say more than Stephen Covey. I mean, Stephen Covey, loving father of nine children plus highly successful entrepreneur. That says it all. If you haven’t heard of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, please get out of the hole you are under and google it right now and then buy it. Then get this follow-up, where he applies the Seven Habits specifically to family life and parenting. Especially since he is a father, who also managed a career, there are many great pieces of advice for fathers here on how to cope and be a terrific father that your kids will love. He has so many great ideas and thoughts. There are lots and lots of great stories in this book from his own experience (he had enough of them, with nine kids and all). This includes the classic “green and clean” story, which is worth the price of the book alone in my opinion.
So I think I may re-read these books, cuz the time seems right to do so. If any of you out there have ideas for good books for me to read, please leave a comment and let me know. And if you have read the above books and have an opinion about them, feel free to leave it here!

Some favourite bedtime books

Head Jammer — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 04:13:00 +0000

Put my son to bed tonight and all went well. See my post on our bedtime routines, it works for us 99% of the time.
This made me think of sharing some of our favourite bedtime stories with you. We have a few that we usually choose from.

The Gruffalo

One of the best features common to all of these books is that there is some degree of repetition (I guess that is common to a lot of children’s books). What our son like about this repetition is that he can memorize certain sentences and know when they are coming up, so reading the book together becomes and interactive experience that he really enjoys.
Here are the books currently at the top of our bedtime list:
1) The Gruffalo, by Julia Donaldson – recommended for children 2 years and up. This is a classic book with a nice story about a quick-thinking mouse that outwits a fox, an owl, a snake and of course, a Gruffalo! It has good repetition of certain elements, and the sentences in the story also rhyme (in an AABBCC… fashion), so after just a couple of times reading this, our son could already start to complete some sentences on his own as I was reading them.
2) Wanted: The Great Cookie Thief, A Sesame Street book – this one is a bit hard to find but can still be found online. Our copy is actually the copy that I had when I was just a young tike, so reading this brings back memories of my childhood. Our son also loves it because it is about one of his favourite topics… cookies… and it also has some repetitive aspects, so he can predict what is going to happen next.
3) Room on the Broom, by Julia Donaldson – another one by the author of The Gruffalo. We actually bought this one first and liked it so much that we bought the Gruffalo. This is a really nice story about a witch that takes a dog, a bird and a frog with her on her broom, along with her cat, and when they meet up with a dragon, they all help to rescue her. There is a great theme of friendship and cooperation. Like the Gruffalo, this story rhymes and has repetition, so we can have a good interactive read.
4) The Ernie and Bert Book, A Sesame Street Book – like the Great Cookie Thief, this is another classic from my childhood that our son loves. It can still be found online, not sure if it is in any stores any longer. This one was at the top of our list for awhile. Our son practically had it memorised because we read it so many times. This is the story of what happens when Ernie broke the piggy bank, so he had to put the money in the cookie jar, and the cookies in the milk bottle, and the milk in the… you get the idea. It goes on like this and is lots of fun.
5) Speedy Fire Engine, A Wheelie Boards Book. This book is shaped like a fire engine and has wheels. It is a simple story that rhymes. It is just a few pages about a fire engine that quickly goes to put out a fire. I think our son mostly likes this one because he likes fire trucks. Today he kept repeating, “Speedy Fire Engine!” about a million times. He also likes to turn the wheels on this book as I am reading it to him.
So that is our current top five… I would definitely recommend checking these out if you are looking for some new books for your kids and don’t have these already.

Join the jam and tell us your favourite bedtime books!