Desperate, I turned to “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” for help.  This book is a classic, and I learned why.  The advice is timeless, and it works.

It took a while to get out of the habit of saying “No,” “Do..,” and “Don’t,” and I still do it sometimes when I have knee-jerk reactions, but I’m getting better.

Instead of saying “No,”  “Do..,” and “Don’t,” I make an effort to do as the book teaches, and describe the situation instead. When I describe the situation, Smarty Pants figures out for himself what he needs to do, or what he is expected to do or not do, and he just does it.  It is amazing.

Here are some examples of how I describe the situation now (and how you can too):

1) (after dinner) “Your plate is still on the table”  (he looks at his plate, picks it up, and brings it to the kitchen).

2) “Your nose is running” (grabs a tissue and wipes his nose).

3) “That’s making a big mess on the floor” (stops throwing toys everywhere and picks them up).

4) “Your little sister is crying” (stops pestering his little sister).

5) “Dinner is on the table” (comes to the table and eats).

6) “The juice spilled” (gets a sponge and wipes up the juice).

7) “The ball might break the glass if you throw it on the table” (stops throwing the ball close to the table).

It is a simple concept, and it really works.  The hardest part is getting yourself to change.  Once you do, you’ll be a convert.  This method not only works better, it is a easier on the ears of the child, and easier on the mouth of the parent.  You’ll find you don’t need to shout when you use this approach.

Overall, Smarty Pants is a good kid, so maybe this works better for me than it might work for some, but give it a try and I’m sure in any case you’ll find it works better than shouting and commanding.  If it doesn’t work right away, don’t give up!

What do you think?  Leave a comment and let me know!

For more information, I highly recommend, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.” for help!

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That’s right, flowers.  How do you explain to a toddler that he is not allowed to pick flowers from a public garden, when he so kindly wants to pick one so that he can give it to you?  It nearly breaks my heart.

I was faced with this dilemma the other day, and called on a tried and true method to get me out of it.  I used the sign.  What sign was that, you ask?  Well, luckily for me, there was a sign posted at the garden that said, “Please keep out of the planted area.”  I swiftly pointed the sign out to Smarty Pants and said, “Look, the sign says we have to keep out of the planted area.  That means we are not allowed to go in there and pick flowers.”

“Why does the sign say to keep out of the planted area?” Smarty Pants inquired.  (He is at the “Why?” phase right now, where he asks “Why?” about, oh, 50 thousand times a day).

“Because, these plants are for everyone to enjoy, not just us.  And the gardeners spent a lot of time planting these flowers, and they don’t want anyone to take them away.”  I replied, making it up as I went along, as usual.

“The sign says keep out,” he repeated to himself, satisfied, and moved on.

I have to say, using signs to get Smarty Pants to listen has never failed for me.  Cialdini was right, social proof and authority are powerful influencers.  (or maybe he just prefers to listen to what signs say vs. what I say).

Here are some examples of other times when the “Sign Says” technique has worked for me:

At a play area where Smarty Pants had to wear socks to play – at first when I told him he had to put on socks, he outright refused. He absolutely did not want to put on socks, no matter how many times I told him that he had to. Desperate, I showed him the sign that said that all children must wear socks to play there, and I told him, “This sign says you have to put on socks to play here.”  Right away, he said, “Sign says ‘Put on socks!’” and proceeded to let me put his socks on him without any fuss or muss at all!  It was like telling him he should eat chocolate ice cream.

When passing a construction site – Smarty Pants wanted to go in, but outside there was a sign that said “Do not Enter.”  Despite all my pleading and begging, he kept itching further and further towards the entrance.  Just as I was about to collapse with exhaustion, I noted to him… “This sign says, ‘Do Not Enter!’”  He immediately backed away from the entrance and repeated “Sign says, “Do Not Enter!’” so many times that I almost wished I hadn’t said it in the first place.  I got almost the same reaction that I get when I tell him we are going to buy an M&M cookie.
So that’s it… one small sentence for a man, one giant leap for a toddler.  Try it out, and if your toddler is anything like mine, it just might work for you too!

What are some tactics you use to get your toddler to listen in sticky situations like these?  Leave a comment and let us know!

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My toddler boy, Smarty Pants, devours cucumber rolls.  He loves them.  He scarfs down a dozen in about 10 minutes.  It is amazing to watch.  He chants “Sushi, Sushi!” before he starts his feast, and doesn’t stop until the last bit of sticky rice is cleared from his plate and safe on its way to his tummy.

Getting sushi for dinner has become a near weekly ritual for Smarty Pants and I, and I enjoy it a lot.  We walk to the sushi place together, and he is excited the whole way there.  Today was no different, except I wanted to have some fun with him along the way.

Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: “Let’s get sushi!”

Smarty Pants: “Yeah!”

Me: “Actually, let’s get….hmmm… broccoli!”

Smarty Pants: “No, sushi!”

Me: “Let’s get… mmm…. pizza!”

Smarty Pants: “No, sushi!”

Me: “Okay… let’s get… cucumber rolls!”

Smarty Pants: “Yeah!”  (he knows what cucumber rolls are, and that they are the type of sushi that he likes)

Me: “Okay… let’s get… rice and cucumber wrapped in seaweed!”

Smarty Pants: “No, sushi!”

Um.  Wait a second.  Rice and cucumber wrapped in seaweed IS sushi.  It is a cucumber roll in fact.  His favorite type of sushi.  My little Kappamaki (河童巻き) experiment worked.

I was actually trying to prove that the words we use, and how we frame them into sentences, can make all the difference in the world when talking to our kids.

Young kids, like my toddler Smarty Pants, don’t yet share the same expansive vocabulary that we do, and don’t always look at things the same way that we do.  If you have a child, I am sure this is obvious to you.  Sushi is either sushi or a cucumber roll.  It is not cucumber with rice wrapped in seaweed.  What is seaweed?

This is very important to remember when we talk to our kids.  Sometimes we think our kids aren’t listening, but sometimes they just don’t understand what we are asking of them.  Frame your request slightly differently, and you’re no longer speaking Greek.

Stephen Covey gives a wonderful example of this theory in action in one of my favorite family and parenting books, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families.  He tells the story of a father who was frustrated because he couldn’t keep his son in sight when they went out shopping.  His son would always go around corners where his father couldn’t see him.  Every time this happened, the father told his son not to go around the corner.  Sure enough, his son scooted around the corner every time.  The father’s “aha” moment occurred one day when his son inquired, “Daddy, what’s a corner?”

Bada bing.  Bada boom.  Aha.

This applies to food and mealtimes in a slightly related and unrelated way.  The exact same food might be heartily devoured, or shunned in disgust, depending on how it is presented.  Smarty Pants likes cheddar cheese, but sometimes he only eats it if it is grated.  He might not eat certain vegetables if they are just served whole on a plate, but if they are made into a vegetable patty they stand a chance at being consumed.  You probably have a lot of examples of your own too.

So, next time you find yourself frustrated that your child is “not listening” or not eating, just think of sushi.  Try to change your approach, your wording, or your presentation, and you might just get what you were after.  And if not, go for a beer and try again later.

Flickr photo courtesy of avlxyz.

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Chances are, you’ve been there, but don’t worry, we all have.  You are not alone, and that is good news.  Are you a bad parent?  No.  Then why does this happen?  Read on…

As parents, we have to look out for the needs of our children.  We cannot always give in to their whims and desires.  While this makes us unpopular at times, we have to accept it, because parenting is not about being popular.  Parenting is about making the right decisions that primarily address needs over wants and create win-win outcomes (even if they appear to the child to be win-lose).

I’ll give you an example.  We took Smarty Pants out swimming the other day and even went out for a slice of pizza afterwards.  All was well.  It was a fun afternoon that left us exhausted, especially since we had been up since 5:30am (thanks to the daylight savings time change).  Needless to say, when we got home we decided it was time for hime to go to bed.  Although he didn’t necessarily want to see the end of this fun day, we knew it was the right thing for us (to keep our sanity) and for him (to be well rested).  So we made a win-win decision that appeared to him to be win-lose.

The joys of parenting are not about receiving thanks and appreciation… they are about the precious moments like these

If we expect our children to be thankful for all that we do for them, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.  What makes a child happy is not the opposite of what makes her unhappy.  Think of this:  not having air makes you unhappy, but having air does not necessarily make you happy.  Now apply it to parenting:  not having your love and support makes your kids unhappy (this is their “air”), but having your love and support does not necessarily make them happy.  Why?  Because, like air, your love and support is a constant.  It is there.  Nobody talks about it unless it is gone or it’s quality is low.

So don’t be surprised if your child doesn’t thank you for providing this “air,” and still throws a tantrum when you make an unpopular decision.  It doesn’t mean you are a bad parent.

What to do?

It is important that you build a trusting relationship with your child.  If your child trusts you, he is more likely to accept those win-win decisions that seem to him to be win-lose.  Your child also needs to know and understand that you care about him and that you genuinley want to make decisions that are right for both of you.

To build this trust and understanding, you can involve your child in more decisions and let her negotiate with you.

With little things, a win-win might be to let them get away with what they want to do.  For example, if your child wants to to go outside and get dirty, it can be a win for you, in terms of geting a moment of peace, and a win for your child, in that he gets to have the fun that he wants.  So you can let him go out and do it.

For bigger things, you can’t always let your child get her way.  Try and work together to come to a solution to the problem or decision you are facing (if your child is old enough to do so).  She will be more likely to comply with the decision if she feels she was involved in the decision making process and was given the opportunity to make a fair contribution to the decision or solution.  This also shows her that you really care about your relationship with her, which helps to build trust in your relationship as well.

Finally, try to focus on the positive aspects of the decision, and mention the consequences of not following your decision if necessary.  This will help to build your child’s faith and trust that your decisions are really in his own best interest.

Here’s another example:  this past Hallowe’en, we told Smarty Pants that he had to take a nap during the day (which he doesn’t always like to do).  To emphasize the positive, win-win outcome, I explained to him that if he took a nap, he would be well-rested and would be able to stay up longer and go trick-or-treating with his friend.  He agreed, and it was easy to get him into bed for the nap.

With tooth-brushing, you have a good opportunity to focus on the positive aspects (e.g. having clean, white, teeth) and at the same time, you can also mention the consequences of not brushing (e.g. getting cavities, having black teeth).  Doing this will help build your child’s trust and buy-in to the decision to brush his teeth.  See my article about consquences and tooth brushing on this site as well.

Want it all in a nutshell?  Here goes…

You will always have to make unpopular decisions as a parent, and no matter what you do to provide care, love and support for your kids, you may never receive a thank-you in return.  You cannot expect your love and support to make your child happy or satisfied.  In fact, as soon as you have to make a decision that appears to be win-lose to your child, you may expect dissatisfaction or even rebellion.

To stay sane, do your best to build trust in your relationship with your child, following the tips mentioned here, so that your child builds trust in your decisions and becomes more likely to accept and abide by them.

I wish you the best of luck!  Please join the jam and share your own tips and thoughts on this topic!

A lot of the ideas mentioned in this article are based on my readings of Stephen Covey and his 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families book.  If you are interested in more about creating win-win outcomes with your child and more, I highly suggest and recommend getting the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families book.

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I have found a solution that works nicely and is easy to apply to everyday situations.  The idea is to use keywords when requesting something from your kids.  Most bloggers or SEO specialists are familiar with the concept of using keywords on websites and blogs to get search engines to listen to them.  I am going to tell you how parents can use keywords in everyday conversation to get their kids to listen to them.

Picture this:  You are at the grocery store.  You just finished shopping and Junior is getting fussy.  He wants to leave the store now and is about to have a meltdown if you don’t.  What do you do?

Leaving the store without paying is not the answer.

In such a situation, a keyword can work wonders.  You can use a keyword such as “Pay,” to get the message across that you can’t leave yet because you still have to pay for the groceries.  For example, you can say, “I have to PAY now.”  Or, “You’ll have to wait a minute because I still have to PAY.”  Whatever you say, it is important that you emphasize the keyword, “PAY.”  Then, every time you are at the grocery store and Junior gets fussy at the cash register, simply say similar things, always including your keyword.  This introduces a consistent message that Junior will always understand.  So whenever you tell Junior that you have to PAY, he knows he has to settle down and wait.

I use a keyword with Smarty Pants whenever I want him to get out of the bath.  I introduced this because he never wanted to get out of the bath, no matter how many different ways I asked him.  The keyword is “WRAPPER.”  When I say wrapper, it refers to the way I wrap him up in his towel to dry him down when he gets out of the bathtub.  I say, “Okay, its time to get out, we’re going to do a WRAPPER.”  (Don’t worry if the grammar isn’t 100% correct or the keyword is partially made-up).  As soon as he hears the word WRAPPER, he knows exactly what I mean and what will happen, and it is his cue to get out of the tub.  It honestly works every time.  He gets out of the tub and repeats after me, “Wrapper, wrapper, wrapper,” as I wrap the towel around him.

Can you think of some keywords and how they can be used to send a signal or “call to action” to your child?  “CLEAN UP” is a good example of a keyword (or key phrase) that can be used to send a cue to your child that it is time to clean up.

Be creative.  I think the wrapper idea was pretty creative and I am really happy with the results.  If you find yourself asking your child a thousand different ways to do something, and she just isn’t listening, try using a single, consistent keyword instead.  Come up with something fun that she will always recognize.  The idea is to create a mental association between the keyword and the action.  It is almost like NLP.  Or maybe it is NLP.  Either way, it works!

If you try this out and it works for you, please leave a comment and let us know!  We can all benefit from your experiences!

****Flickr photo courtesy of Nutmeg66

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Parents often ask me how we prepared our first child, who is now 2 and a half, for the arrival of our daughter, who is now almost two months old.  This is a hot topic, as it is a challenge that every family of two or more faces.

I have heard many stories of older siblings trying to stuff the newborn back into mama’s belly (or something to that effect).  This made me decide to write this article, where I share my ideas on how dads and parents can help prepare their first child for the arrival of their new little one.  Here we go:

1. Before the new baby is born, buy a doll (or human-looking toy if you don’t like dolls) for your first child.  Call the doll “little sister” or “little brother” and explain to your child that soon a little sister or little brother will be arriving, and that he can use the doll to practice how he will play with the baby or help take care of the baby once it arrives.  This gets him used to the idea of having a little bro/sis around, and provides an opportunity to start teaching him that he has to be gentle with the little baby.
2. If your child does not already sleep in her own bed, now is a good time to start getting her into a bed (a full size bed is best – I’ll explain why later).  I say this based on our experience and from talking to other dads.  Before our daughter was born, our son still came to our bed at night from time to time, although he had his own bed.  Now, if he wakes up at night, we try to still have him stay in his own bed.  This is because our baby daughter is in our room, and if she wakes up at night, she would wake him up too.  This would lead to him being tired and cranky the next day, which is something we definitely do not want!  So if you will have your baby in your room, and your first child is still in your room, now is the time to try to switch it up.
3. Think about getting a full size bed for your first child.  This is related to my point above.  If your first child wakes up at night (our son started waking up more often after our daughter was born), and you need to go to comfort him, it will be more comfortable for you to do so in a bigger bed.  I spoke to one dad who got a queen-size bed for their first daughter for this reason.  “Smart thinking!” is what I thought!  Even though the bed might fill up the child’s whole room, it is called a bed-room, right?
4. Around the time you (meaning, your wife) are expecting to give birth, get a gift for your first child that is “from the baby.”  This will help your first child to feel more like the baby is her friend.  Lets face it, most children are around the age of 1-4 when their younger sibling is born.  At that age, right or wrong, kids love getting new toys and tend to like the people who give them the toys.  So, a gift from the baby will increase the chances that your first child will take kindly to the baby.  Keep reinforcing the fact that the gift is from the baby.  This gift is also helpful because if it is really something your child enjoys, it gives him something to do while you are looking after the baby.  We got our son a marble run from our newborn daughter, and he still loves playing with it.
5. Get some books about being a big brother or big sister and read them to your first child.  This one is kind of a no-brainer.  It reinforces all the usual ideas about being an older sibling, being proud about it, looking after the baby and being gentle with it, etc etc.
6. Get a T-shirt that says “Big Brother” or “Big Sister” on it (not for you, for your child – if you are interested in T-shirts for you, check here).  This will help to make your child proud of the fact that he/she is a big brother/sister.  It can also help him/her to get into the role a bit more.  It will also give you a chance to wash your child’s other favorite t-shirt.
7. When your newborn arrives, take time to reinforce your love for your first child.  This can be a challenge, because a newborn is so time consuming, but it is the most important thing you can do.  Do your best to spend some good quality one-on-one time with your first child every day.

With the right preparation and the right amount of time taken to tend to your first child, you can make this transition a smoother one.  It is a big change for your first child to go through, so you can expect some bumps along the way.  I hope you enjoyed these tips and that they help to make those bumps fewer and further between….especially if you don’t have shock absorbers.

By the way, you can find more great thoughts and tips on this topic at another great fatherhood blog… check it out on Building Camelot’s “Bringing Home a Second Baby” post.

If you have any ideas or would like to share what you have done to ease this transition for your child, please join the jam and share your comments here!  Peace!

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Well, my boy is two and a half and overall is a wonderful, sweet child. So many new developments happen with him everyday, and with a newborn child on the side, it is sometimes easy to overlook just how much he is developing and growing.

So this article is devoted to focusing on the Top 10 best moments and developments from the first half of his third year (ages two to two and a half):

1. He started to ride his balancing bike “all by self.”
2. He started playing really nicely on his own more often and also plays really nicely with others. He expresses himself through communication with other children more and more.
3. He is able to put simple puzzles together and play with more complex toys.
4. When he eats he gets less food on the floor. (yay!)
5. He is able to put his sandals on “all by self” (and almost his socks too… this is very handy).
6. He doesn’t need diapers at all anymore, not even at night, and can climb up on the toilet himself to go pee (he actually doesn’t like it if we try and help him… also very handy, when we have newborn diapers to change!)
7. He started speaking in more complete sentences.
8. He demonstrates a much wider variety of feelings.
9. He is able to climb up high structures at the playground without any help.
10. He said “I love papa” for the first time (and my heart melted instantly!)

So, while the terrible twos can be challenging at times, they are also a time of many exciting and heartwarming new developments and experiences. The trick is for us to do our best to focus on these positive moments and praise our children when they happen, rather than only focusing on their more “strong-willed” moments. Toddlers often learn that they get more attention when they act out or do something “bad”… our goal is to teach our children that doing something well is also a way to get attention.

Have a think about it. What are the best things that your toddler or “terrible two” has done recently? Share them here, and praise your child for it! Cheers.

What to do, besides taking a vacation?

I accept that fact that my son sometimes talks to me the same way I talk to him, because, like I said, he has learned this from me, and being only two, he doesn’t know any other way, besides the ways that I teach him.
But listening to him in these situations causes me to pause and reflect on my own handling of situations where I would like him to stop doing something.  Now I often try to approach such situations with a different tone of voice, and different use of words.

Rather than saying, “Don’t do…” I try and say what he should do. For example: “Don’t put the cat in the oven” = old me… and, “Try petting the cat nicely while it is lying on the floor” = new me.

I have read in several books on the topic and found the general consensus to be that this is the better approach anyways. Children (and adults too) ignore the negating pieces of sentences (i.e. we ignore the “don’t”).   For example, if I say to you, “Don’t think of a pink elephant,” the first thing you do is think of a pink elephant. So when we say to our kids, “Don’t draw on the walls,” you can be sure your walls will very quickly be many shades of red, blue and purple.

The other big question I ask myself is how often I should let my boy get his way. If he asks me not to do something that he doesn’t want me to do, and I don’t listen to him, why should he listen to me next time I ask him to “Only PET the cat please”? He is still too young to understand that he always has to listen to me “because I am the father and I know better” and I don’t necessarily have to listen to him.

So, I try and negotiate where I can. Of course, on big ticket items, there is no negotiation. But on small things, I am open to negotiate and sometimes give in to his requests. I think this helps in the long run, because if he feels that I take him and his requests seriously, he is more likely to do the same with me and my requests.

Definitely something to think about, and I am still honing my skills in this area, so if you have any comments on what has and has not worked for you in this space, please join the jam and leave a comment!

Nevertheless, it may be time to hit the books again. Here are two books that I found to be excellent and worth reading:
1) The Complete Secrets of Happy Children, by Steve Biddulph. This is actually two books in one… The Secrets of Happy Children, and its follow-up, the appropriately titled, More Secrets of Happy Children. This book gives lots of practical tips on parenthood, being a dad, the correct language to use when talking to your children, disciplining, soft love, firm love and special considerations for raising boys and raising girls. There are many good tips and ideas in its pages. We have used and applied many of his ideas with our kids, and he really gives you a lot to think about.
2) The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, by Stephen Covey. Need I say more than Stephen Covey. I mean, Stephen Covey, loving father of nine children plus highly successful entrepreneur. That says it all. If you haven’t heard of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, please get out of the hole you are under and google it right now and then buy it. Then get this follow-up, where he applies the Seven Habits specifically to family life and parenting. Especially since he is a father, who also managed a career, there are many great pieces of advice for fathers here on how to cope and be a terrific father that your kids will love. He has so many great ideas and thoughts. There are lots and lots of great stories in this book from his own experience (he had enough of them, with nine kids and all). This includes the classic “green and clean” story, which is worth the price of the book alone in my opinion.
So I think I may re-read these books, cuz the time seems right to do so. If any of you out there have ideas for good books for me to read, please leave a comment and let me know. And if you have read the above books and have an opinion about them, feel free to leave it here!

Seems like a bit much? I agree! But sometimes this is the only thing that works. I have found that if I just skip to step 9 without doing steps 1-8 first, I have a much lower chance of being able to leave without a drama. It’s kinda like trying to bake a cake without breaking the eggs first… you end up with a real funny looking cake that don’t taste too good.
Join the jam and share your experiences with trying to leave the playground!