We video-chatted over Skype yesterday, and it was so nice to see them again.  Even if only a digitized version, it was still nice to see their faces and smiles, and hear their voices.  It made me miss them even more.

This is the first time since both kids were born that I’ve been away over a weekend, alone.

It got me thinking.

Its funny; when you have kids, there never seem to be enough hours in the day.  You wish the day had 30 hours and that the kids would sleep for at least half of them.  The ironic contrast is, when you’re alone, there seem to be too many hours in the day.  The days seem to go on forever.  Especially when you’re alone and away from your family, you just want the time to fly by so that you can together with them again sooner.

I realized that time with the family is the most precious time you have.  There is nothing more important or interesting you could be doing than spending time with your partner and kids.  So enjoy that time, and make the most of it.  Try not to worry about the 1000 other things you could be doing or have to do.

This short poem, that I’m taking from “The 4-hour Work Week,” puts it best.  I was moved by it, and I’m sure you will be too:

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home

Have you come home after a tough day at work and taken your stresses and frustrations out on your spouse?  Sure you have.  We all have.  Not intentionally, of course, it just happens.  But it happens because we let it happen, and if we can stop it, we can be one step closer to a long-lasting, happy, marriage.  You may think this will be harder than threading a camel through the eye of a needle, but stick with me here and lets give it a shot.

I know what you’re thinking – how is this going to save my marriage, Mr. Head Jammer?

The answer is this:  It’s all about associations.  Our brain makes associations all the time.

Ever wonder why the smell of a steak on the barbecue reminds you of summertime?  It’s because you usually barbecue in the summer, and your brain has associated the smell of barbecuing with summer.  It’s the same reason why the smell of Tequila makes you nauseous (if you’re anything like me and had some bad Tequila experiences in college).

So when you get home from work and you are stressed, or in a bad mood, and the first thing you see when you walk in the door is your spouse’s face, you start to make an association between your negative feelings about work, and your spouse’s face.  Do this repeatedly, and the association will stick in your brain like Richard Simmons on the oldies.  You’ll get to a point where, you can even be in a good mood coming home one day, and you’ll see your spouse and suddenly feel stressed or in a bad mood, without even knowing why.

It goes without saying that if you start to associate your feelings about work or your boss with your spouse, totally without even knowing it, or totally unintentionally, you can be putting your marriage at risk for no good reason at all.

So my advice to you is this:  If you’ve had a rough day at work, or had a spat with your boss, and are feeling like you want to bang your head against a hard surface, take a few moments to change your state before you march through the door to your home.  Leave your work stresses and feelings about work behind you, and start fresh when you get home.  Try and put yourself in a good mood before you see your spouse.

How the heck do I do that, you ask?

There are many ways.  You can mediate, relax, focus on something other than work, or do some state-changing exercises (using anchoring, for example), if you know how (and if you’ve listened to Personal Power II, you’ll know how).  Have a beer if you have to.  Whatever it takes to get you feeling better.  Doesn’t matter what it is, listen to the wise words of Nike, and just do it.  You’ll thank yourself later.

That’s it really.  Just make sure you don’t associate your bad moods from work, your boss, your idiot colleagues, or that guy that cut you off on your way home, with your loved ones, and you’ll be on your way to a marriage that lives happily ever after.

Just my 200 Yen.  Let me know what you think.

Flickr photo courtesy of millzero.com

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home

Let’s start with Man in the Moon.

Man in the Moon is a program where dads of all types (i.e. foster, step, grand, etc.), shapes, and sizes, can bond with their little ones.  If you’ve ever gone to a program with your child and were surrounded by moms with their children, making you feel like the odd man out, then Man in the Moon is for you.

It is put on by the Vancouver Public Library, and if you haven’t heard of it before, you are hearing about it from me now.  It is a great program for dads to spend time with their kids and take part in fun activities that engage them in play, bonding, and song.  It is for dads and their kids only, so you can have a real tribal time.

The sessions for babies run for newborns to 18 month olds, and the toddler sessions are for children ages 12 to 36 months.  It is great quality, bonding time spent between dad and child, and a great way to meet other dads and their kids.  Not to mention, it is a great way to give your wife some time off, which I am sure she’ll appreciate.

The Man in the Moon program is also offered in English, Spanish and Cantonese!

Admission to the program is free, but you need to call your branch to register.  For more information, you can also call 604-331-3657 or 604-331-3675.  You can also go to this website and find all the Man in the Moon times and places there.

On a related (and not so related) note, I followed-up my 2009 resolutions with my buddy Tyler over at Building Camelot recently, as we are at the halfway point through the year.

I enjoyed reflecting on my resolutions and the progress I have made on them so far, and you will see that some of my resolutions have turned out to be pipe dreams, while others have proven easy for me to hold true to.

Read the full article on how I’ve been making out on keeping my resolutions over at Building Camelot – here.

You’ll see that one of my resolutions was to spend one-on-one time with the kids… hence the relationship to the Man in the Moon program.  So if you also resolved to spend more time with your little ones in 2009, it’s still not too late!  If you live in Vancouver, check out Man in the Moon!

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home

Here are some wise words for you to think of next time you find yourself shouting at a loved one.  I didn’t write this story, but I really like it and see the truth in it.  I hope you like it too.

A wise old man asked his followers one day, ‘Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’

The followers thought for a while.  Then, one of them said, ‘Because we lose our calm, that is why we shout.’
‘But, why shout when the other person is just next to you?’ asked the wise man.  ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice?  Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’

The followers gave some other answers, but none satisfied the wise old man.

Finally he explained;

‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance.  To cover that distance, they must shout to be able to hear each other.  The angrier they are, the greater the distance; and the stronger they have to shout to hear each other across that great distance.’

Then the wise man asked, ‘What happens when two people fall in love?   They don’t shout at each other, but talk softly.  Why?  Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

The wise man continued, ‘When they love each other even more, what happens?  They do not speak, they only whisper and get even closer to each other in their love.  Finally, they even need not whisper; they need only look at each other.  That is how close two people are when they love each other.’

When you argue with a loved one, do not let your hearts get distant, and do not say words that distance your hearts even more.  If you do, there may come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path back.

When you find yourself shouting with your loved one, pause, and take a moment to bring your hearts closer.  Imagine your hearts coming together, the distance between them lessening and lessening.  Remember back to a time when your hearts felt as one.

Do this, and when you speak again, you will find you no longer need to shout.

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home

Flickr photo courtesy of Michelle Brea

I was inspired to write this Jam after reading a blog post by the Gay Redneck over at dad-blogs.com (a great site for dads by the way).  The post is called, “What makes a DILF a DILF?,” and you can find it here.

In his post, the Gay Redneck nicely explains what makes a DILF a DILF, and gives tips on how to be a DILF, in a very light-hearted way.  I appreciated his insights and the humour.  The article is intended to be for both gay and straight dads, and, although written by a gay dad, it gives a straight woman’s perspective as well.  Reading the post’s comments, the women/moms who commented agreed with everything written.

So now that I know what makes a DILF a DILF, I have a few questions burning in my mind.  Am I a DILF?  Do I want to be a DILF?  Could I be a DILF?  And most of all, would I have time to be a DILF?  It’s amazing I can sleep at night with all this going through my mind.  Oh wait, I don’t sleep at night…. but actually, that’s because of my kids.  I’ll attack these questions here, one-by-one, in as DILF-y a way possible.

Am I a DILF?

Well, if DILF-iness is in the eye of the beholder, in my eyes, I am by far and away NOT a DILF.  I guess I am a DILF in Love Buns’ eyes, which is a good thing, but I think I still have the “love is blind” thing going for me there.  As longs a Love Buns thinks I am a DILF, that is all I really need.

Do I want to be a DILF?

I always want to be a DILF in Love Buns’ eyes.  I can’t manage an audience larger than one, and an audience of one is all I need.  So as long as I remain Love Buns’ DILF, I’m happy.

This is a good point to discreetly note that many moms don’t really appreciate the term “MILF”, or being called a MILF.  I got this impression when looking into the case of the guy who got a personalised license plate that said “GOT MILF,” and ended up having it canceled because of many complaints from disgruntled moms.

I think dads would object less to being called DILFs than moms would to being called MILFs.  If you agree or disagree, let me know.  I think whereas moms find the term MILF derogatory, dads find it to be complimentary, or a sign of sexual status/prowess.  Blame Darwin.

Could I be a DILF?

I think being a DILF (as defined by the Gay Redneck) requires one to be at least slightly metrosexual.  I am about as close to being a metrosexual as the Vancouver Canucks are to winning the Stanley Cup.  The only time in my life I was Metro was when I rode the subway in Paris.  Oh, and I read that free public transit newspaper called Metro when I ride the bus in the morning.  Thats about it.

I’ll go through the Gay Redneck’s DILF qualities one by one and see how I measure up:

1. Keep up with the physical appearance – I definitely haven’t let myself go, and don’t think I ever would.  I walk wherever I can (don’t have much choice cuz I don’t have a car), I carry lots of groceries when I go shopping, I run around with Smarty Pants.  I could be doing more though.  I know Love Buns would appreciate if I did some sit-ups and push-ups regularly.  I’ll score myself half a point.
2. Don’t have attitude – okay, I score a full point on this one.  I have less attitude than a purple dinosaur.
3. Dress fashionably – I’ll give myself another half point here.  I would never wear black socks with shorts, but I can’t guarantee I’ve never worn black socks with denim.
4. Trim the excess hairs – I’m not really a hairy guy.  My nose, ears, chest, and back all remain very tame with very little need to trim.  My back is completely bald indeed.  So I’ll give myself a point by default.
5. Product, product, product – besides the occasional hair product, my life is totally devoid of product (well, I use toothpaste, shampoo and soap as well, of course).  But I’ll give myself a zero on this one cuz I don’t think soap counts as a “product.”
6. Don’t be overly muscular – I easily get a point on this one, without even trying.
7. Take care of those undies – Without going into too much detail, I’ll just give myself a point – only thanks to Love Buns’ help though.  Without her, I still might be wearing underwear from 1999.
8. Accessorize, with your kids – not that I ever really thought of it as accessorizing, but you’ll see me sporting my kids very often.  In fact, its hard to find a time when I’m outside and NOT carrying one of our kids.  So throw another point on the board for me.

That gives me a six out of a possible eight.  I’ll interpret that to mean there is a 75% chance that I could be a DILF, or I am 75% DILF.  That brings me to my last question:

Would I have time to be a DILF?

If all it took to be a DILF were the eight points above, I’d say, maybe.  I believe we can make time for anything we are motivated enough to do.  If I were motivated enough, I could make time to do push-ups and sit-ups in the evenings, and I probably should.  I definitely find it difficult to find time to go clothes shopping and keep up with the latest fashion trends.  Also, some days I am lucky if I find time to brush my teeth and shave, let alone apply various products to my body.  Luckily, like I said, I don’t have many unruly hairs growing in strange places, and I was created with two eyebrows as well.  If that were not the case, I’m not sure I’d find the time to do the necessary trimming to reach DILF status.

Overall, I’m happy to be a self-proclaimed 75% DILF, and since Love Buns still loves my body and fashion sense the way they are, that makes me 88% DILF in her eyes (rounding up).  And if I can get laid 88% of the time, I am doing pretty darn well.

What do you think?

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home.

Before I get to my idea for a Valentine’s Day gift that your partner will love that is practically free, I wanted to share with you a few interesting Valentine’s Day statistics from the LIFE Foundation‘s recent Valentine’s Day survey.  (These stats were sent to me from the LIFE Foundation, who also have an idea for a Valentine’s Day gift – Life Insurance.  Sound interesting?  You can read about it at insureyourlove.org).  Here are the stats:

• Seven out of ten Americans (70%) would forgo celebrating Valentine’s Day this year in exchange for financial peace of mind.
• Nearly half (44%) of those surveyed would rather receive practical gifts this Valentine’s Day, such as money towards bills or gas, as opposed to more traditional gifts.
• Forty-two percent of those Americans who received a Valentine’s Day gift last year don’t think their gift was memorable and nearly half (48%) lamented that it lasted a month or less!

What do these stats tell us (me)?

1. Your partner would rather be financially stable than receive any gift at all (so if you are going to give a gift, might as well give one that doesn’t break the bank).
2. There is a near 50% chance that your partner would like a practical gift.
3. Many traditional Valentine’s Day gifts are perceived as not being memorable and not lasting long enough.

So forget about roses and chocolates.  They are expensive, last about a week (of if you are in my house, those chocolates will last about a day), have zero practicality and can be easily forgotten (unless this is the one and only time you will ever buy them for her).

Here’s my suggestion:

Give your partner a set of personal “coupons”.  (If you think it sounds lame, it really isn’t – read on -)

Unless you are still living in the stone age, chances are you have a printer to go with the computer you are reading this on.  Type up some nice things you will do for your partner, print them up, cut them out, put them in a nice envelope or box with a bow, and you’re done.  Its quick, easy, inexpensive, and can be done from the comfort of your home.  Best of all, depending on how many coupons you give, this gift will last more than a month, can give you the opportunity to make great memories together, can be very practical, and keeps you financially stable.

Here are some coupon ideas:

• you serve her breakfast in bed
• you do her household chores for a week (i.e. if she usually does the vacuuming, you do it for a week instead)
• various massages (done by you, of course)
• you cook her favourite meal for her (and clean up afterwords)
• you take the kids out and give her an afternoon off
• you arrange for babysitting and have an evening out together (doesn’t have to be an expensive evening out, it could be as simple as going out for a walk and a coffee)

I’m sure you can think of many more ideas and even come up with some that are more personalized to your partner and your relationship.  You know what she likes and appreciates.

Love Buns and I exchanged coupons for each others birthdays and we had a lot of fun with it.  Just getting them and reading them was fun.  You can make them funny and use inside jokes to give your partner a laugh.  For example, I like to perform magic, and like most magician’s wives, Love Buns is the worst audience ever.  She gave me a coupon promising that she would watch me perform 3 magic tricks.  I laughed my ass off.

So if you are scrambling for a Valentine’s Day gift, with only a week to go, this is something you can do right now, just by opening up your favourite word processor and connecting your printer.

But before you do that, leave a comment to let us know your practical and inexpensive Valentine’s Day gift ideas!

Flickr photo courtesy of Cláudia*~Assad

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home

Each year, Love Buns and I write down our reflections on the past year and our resolutions and goals for the coming year.  Studies show that people who write their goals down are much more likely to achieve them.  They also show that people who write their goals down AND share them publicly are even more likely to achieve them.

This year I am sharing my resolutions and goals with the world, so there is a 99.9% chance that I will achieve them.  I am sharing them over at my buddy Building Camelot‘s blog, in a great article he recently put up, where he collected the resolutions of many great dad bloggers (and me).  So go check it out, you’ll find my resolutions & goals and those of many others.  Click here to read it.

I hope they will inspire you to come up with your own goals and resolutions for being a great spouse, parent and individual in 2009 and beyond, and share them with the world as well.

Looking forward to jamming with you in 2009!

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home

Flickr Photo courtesy of coquetboy

There is a solution that is easy to write on paper (or virtual paper), but difficult to put into practice.  You have to be strict and determined with this one, and make a point of doing it every day.

What is it?

The solution is to spend at least ten minutes of one-on-one time with your partner every single day.  That’s right, ten minutes, every single day.  One-on-one.  Meaning, no kids, no distractions, maybe a glass of wine.  These ten minutes will work wonders for you and could save your marriage.

This is easier said than done.  If you have kids, they will need to play alone or with each other during this time.  If you have a baby, you will probably need to spend this time together when the baby is napping.

Your kids will need to understand that they cannot interrupt you during this time either.  This is “Mommy and Daddy Time.”  The kids get your attention all day, hopefully they can last 10 minutes out of the entire day without it.

What do you do in these ten minutes?

During these ten minutes, you give each other your undivided attention.  Try and relax, talk to each other about your day and understand one another.  Discuss what is on your mind or discuss any arguments that you had that might have gone unresolved (don’t start the argument all over again, but try to understand from each other what caused the argument and what you can each do better next time).

What is important is that you are there for each other, you are paying attention to each other and you are communicating with each other!

If you do this every day, you will find that you understand each other better and will feel closer to one another.  If you do this early in the evening, you will find that you will tend to be more relaxed throughout the evening and better able to deal with each other, the kids, and any issues that might arise.

Try and keep it regular and on schedule.  If you start skipping times, you will lose the rhythm and it will be hard to get started again.  It may not always be possible, but try and spend this time together as often as you possibly can.  You will definitely see the benefits of it.

Join the Jam and let us know if you like this idea!  If you try it, let us know how it goes too!

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home

Its not always easy, but you can do it

If you are finding that your relationship with your wife or partner is not as strong as it once was, or if you would like to take steps to improve your relationship and become an even better husband, take a moment to ponder the following points:

• A relationship is something that you need to work on daily, just as you would work on your health or your job.
• Begin and end your day by being grateful for all the things your partner does well and that you love about your partner.
• If there is something bothering you about your partner, discuss it with her, but try to deal with it as your problem – not hers.  Think about what you can do to deal with it better, and work hard to understand the reason for it and why it bothers you.

Note:  Stephen Covey gives an example of this in the great “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families.”  To summarize, Stephen’s wife was obsessed with a certain brand of appliances, and she only wanted to buy appliances from that brand.  He found it very strange and annoying.  So he talked to his wife about it, and what they discovered was that the obsession with this brand was deeply rooted in her childhood, and a positive association she gained with that brand from her childhood.  Upon discovering this, he had much more understanding for her position, and dealt with this no longer as a problem with his wife, but rather as something that he needed to learn to accept, because it was something perfectly acceptable given its roots.

• Find out what your partner’s needs are and do the best you can to fulfill those needs.
• Always make sure you are doing more to help your partner emotionally than you are to drain her emotionally.  e.g. back-rubs, doing the vacuuming and looking after the kids are emotionally helping her … complaining and making a mess are emotionally draining for her.  (This is the concept of the “Emotional Bank Account” that is used a lot by Stephen Covey.  Always try and make deposits into that bank account, and minimize the withdrawals).

These are all much easier said than done, but at the end of the day, its worth it.  Following these steps doesn’t happen over night, but start thinking about them and how they apply to your life and your relationship.  It will get you thinking on the right track.

Like I said, I am no expert, but these are some ideas based on my own experience and some things that I have read and taken to heart.  These tips don’t necessarily apply to every person and every situation, but I am sure at least some of you out there might find some truth or help in them.

Feel free to join the jam and leave comments about whether or not you think these tips are helpful, or if you have tips or thoughts of your own that you would like to share!

Return to Parenting – The Dad Jam Home